My dad would have been 85 today. I’m not sure exactly why I choose to contemplate that, or perhaps it’s not a conscious choice, but rather a natural, reflexive thought—when the birthday of someone I miss this much sneaks up on me. The older I get, the more complexity I confront when I think about the ways his influence has affected me. I tell myself I would’ve surely arrived at the level of intimacy he sought from me, if indeed I was helping to celebrate his 85th birthday today…
then I stop to look at how significantly his departure has also shaped me, and I don’t even know who I would actually be if he was still here, 15 years after his final birthday. I had my cholesterol checked today and it was 150, due, I like to think, in large measure to the changes I began to make after he died, knowing I carried all the same cardiac risk factors and predispositions. Would I have changed my lifestyle so dramatically if I hadn’t lost him? It’s a question that can’t be answered. It’s probably a question that needn’t be asked. Anyway, I say to myself, “He would certainly admire your consistency in taking care of yourself physically.” That notion helps me stay motivated. He would want me to overcome the pitfalls of our mutual heritage, and to make the most of our best genes. Nevertheless, he would have equal concern for all of the “me” that isn’t physical. Staying in salubrious condition without a mentor is easy, compared to finding my way to serenity without a father, but that’s just the way the bunny thumps…