“It says here that you’re the sole member of Vampyromorphida,” says Judge Naeus, “and that your species name is infernalis, literally ‘vampire squid from hell.’ Correct?”

Vampire Squid confers with its attorney, who is also a squid (Loligo vulgaris). “Yes, Your Honor.”

“You survive at lightless depths in oxygen concentrations of 3%… you can flip inside out to appear in a frightening, spine-covered form called ‘pumpkin posture…’ I think I’ve seen enough here.” Naeus drops the folder. “I’m sorry, Vampire Squid, but you’re simply too cool to exist. Bailiff?”

Vampire Squid escapes, of course, in a cloud of bioluminescent mucus.