“You got nothing on me,” says John Michael Montgomery.

Point out that you have witnesses. You have the guns he doublefisted across the border, and the Mexican orphans with bellies full of balloons.

“What that is, is covered,” he says. “I’m a celebrity. We can’t legally be prosecuted.”

Wasn’t Mel? Wasn’t Martha? Wasn’t he himself tried for multiple charges in 2006?

“No no.” He’ll snap his handcuffs easily. “That was for underdoing it. We were punished for the sin of daring too little.” Then he’ll reach forward, and break your neck like a string.

“And I,” he’ll smile, “learned my lesson.”