“I looked up ‘steeplechase’ yesterday,” says Percival nervously.

“Okay.” Jephthah duct-tapes Percival’s wrists together. “Boaz, bring them steaks over!”

“It’s a British horse race! Also a track event. There is a canine version, but not combined–”

“American traditions are different,” Jephthah says. “Hold still.” He finishes strapping Percival with ribeye and begins attaching the Burger King crown, which says GORGE 3. Behind him, the dogs bay wildly.

“King George wasn’t even alive on the first Thanksgiving!” Percival shrills.

“Well, depending on how careful they are,” says Jephthah cheerily as Boaz releases the hounds, “you just might live through this one!”