FAKE GEEK. Constructed entirely of papier mâché, this cunning, lifelike object can fool even an expert much of the time. If concerned, inspect all the pixels or repel with inaccurate mockery. Will never love you.

PINTERETTE. So far undocumented by normal scientists, this mysterious creature is native to a wild and unexplored land. Thought to build a nest of precious objects and subsist on a single piece of cake for its entire life cycle. Will never love you.

HARD FEMME. Visible only under snaproscope, this glittering mineral rates 43 on the Mohs scale and naturally forms razor-sharp points. Will never