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Ron

They meet in the writers’ room after lunch to break it.

“I’ll go first,” says Ron, and strips down to his cutoffs and sandals before opening the cage. The story scrambles out on awkward legs; Ron dodges, too nimbly for his size, and gets an arm around its jaws. (Keeping them closed is easy; keeping them open will cost you a hand.)

“Little help?” he gasps as it bucks, tail lashing.

“Current events!”

“Dream episode.”

“Role reversal?”

“A chicken!”

“Maybe,” says Kandyse thoughtfully, “if we gave it another story…”

Everyone stares in pity. “Go ahead,” sighs Ron, releasing it, “eat her.”

Rashid

There exists a tendency, of anyone born before roughly 1983, to perceive the computer as a static thing. It’s an entity, a beige box, at the least a container with value. Pass that ragged edge and they understand that the computer is a disposable access point to ephemeral markers of value: your Top Eight, your email, your flist and your icon collection. Your Facebook. Your away message. Your place in the world.

So what’s the next step? Rashid thinks he might know. He dreams of them sometimes, all in their tremendous gerbil balls, faces and handles flickering surfacewise in laser light.

Joey

“As long as placental mammals rule the planet, marsupials are victims of oppression,” says Joey, and downs a nicotini. “Heeaghh,” he adds.

“Are you talking about interspecies classism again?” says Hexley. “I’m calling you a cab.”

“No, let him keep going,” giggles Quantis.

“Marxupials!” says Joey. “Proof by portmanteau! Please dump out this drink and whoever invented it. Can I have another?”

“You can’t acquire the means of production,” says Hexley gently, “without tools.”

“The war is coming,” insists Joey. “If you’re smart you’ll join me on the winning side!”

Then he goes out and gives a bunch of koalas chlamydia.

Vostok

Here is a magic spell: if you eat the spadix of a specially anointed peace lily, you will go mute.

Therefore all florists must examine lily-buyers carefully. They must determine the likelihood that buyers will visit political or intelligence prisoners, and report them if necessary. Visitors sneak the stalks in between their toes, and feed them to those being interrogated, who will then be useless even for amusement, and must be shot.

Here are some ways Vostok tries to recognize sympathizers:

  • Are they crying?
  • Are they pulling out their hair?
  • Are they furtively glancing?
  • Do they look like his mother?

Nairobi

In the streetcleaner cockpit she gets a lot of incurious stares–by 0400, the waking few are already deep in internal monologue. Nairobi ignores them. She’s not interested in humanoid waste.

One dig in the streetcleaner’s filter trap yields two bookcases’ worth of quasilegal tech: decks and smartguns, goggles and blades. And fingers. A lot of exotically-modified fingers. Most of it cleans up just fine.

Nairobi never tries the goods herself; supplying the pale and slender corporate raiders makes her feel important enough. She’s a crucial part of the ecosystem. The street, after all, finds its own users for things.

Richard

“Not that kind of demon,” huffs the Judging Demon.

“What kind, then?” Richard’s thinking, yeah, he could probably take this thing. It doesn’t even have horns.

“A purpose-built slave,” it says acidly. “Maxwell’s, UNIX, what have you. Give me your papers.”

Richard does. “They say I’m a heretic. Dissenter.” He pitches low. “Freedom fighter. Understand?”

It nods, then lifts him up davinciwise and removes his flesh. At one point, Richard screams so hard that he vomits a tiny wooden man.

“There you are,” says the Judging Demon. “Sticking around this time?”

“We all got jobs,” it mutters, wiping away bile.

SS Whale Fall

The crew of the SS Whale Fall never joke about Jonah. Jonah was swallowed by a fish. Their ship, they know, is warm-blooded.

Hers is the only starwhale corpse ever to beach itself in the gravity well. The scientists stripped her down as best they could, and the Navy got the skeleton. Then they started building her back up.

She’s cobalt-clad now, big plates that flex visibly when she vents reactor steam from her blowhole. Micrometeors have accumulated to give her craters like sucker scars. Her fins shift: they’re diving out, through the heliospheric current, towards colder, darker space.

Hurricane

Hurricane Q. Townsendge is named after a junk email. “I hate you,” she informs her parents, when old enough to understand this. “I am running away and changing my name forever.”

“We only did it,” they say, “so that you could be most famous in whatever you do.”

She decides to be an astronaut, works hard, gets a PhD, joins the Air Force and by the age of thirty-one is in science-pilot training.

“Guess they did something right,” she chuckles, finally, listening to her first countdown. “I’ll be on more pub quizzes than Buzz Aldrin!”

“Whatever,” mutters Story Musgrave.

Lin

The butter’s alarm goes off. “Barooga!” it yells, rattling the door of the fridge. “Barooga!”

“Stop that, butter,” shouts Lin, who’s about to beat Guts Man.

“There is a quantum entity shifting toward bakeable in the kitchen at this moment,” it replies. “I demand that you use me to create cake!”

“I still think your whole existence is unethical,” groans Maggie, “and I really don’t want to make a cake right now. Lin, seriously, did you have to get the psychic stuff?”

“You said psychic.”

“I said salted.

“The entity is coalescing!” bleats the butter urgently.

“OH SHIT,” say the eggs.

Anya’s

AMUSE-BOUCHE

Errant neutrino on nucleic acid.

SECOND AMUSE
Ribonucleide propagation

CAVIAR
to retinoblastoma.

COLD APPETIZER
Suspension of apoptosis.

THICK SOUP
Myeloid puree.

THIN SOUP
Marrow.

SHELLFISH
Anya begins to bruise easily

ANTIPASTO
and loses her appetite.

PASTA
Her head hurts and

INTERMEZZO
when they finally get her to the doctor,

POULTRY
she’s barely listening.

ENTREÉ
“Just something for the pain, please.”

MAIN
Which they give her.

SALAD
And when they do diagnose it,

PUDDING
too late,

ICE CREAM
she’s already lying still, her breath

PUFF PASTRY
bubbling

FRUIT AND CHEESE
through the blood from her gums.

COFFEE
Black.

PETIT FOURS

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