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Monthly Archives: October 2010

Ashlock

Ashlock clutches a vast mug of black coffee; Tach, a shot of very potent tea. Together they stare at the iPod, throbbing with nearly-visible menace.

“We could,” Ashlock begins.

“No,” says Tach.

“No one’s buying, we can’t throw it away–”

“I’m not putting that number in my head,” says Tach.

“Fine,” says Ashlock. “But somebody rigged that trap. It’s a curse, and it’s onto us but good.”

“So what? You want to return it?”

“That’s exactly what I want to do.”

“It’ll burn through our backups. We’ve got maybe two days.”

“This,” says Ashlock, “is why I always keep receipts.”

Mario

Mario can calculate the weekday of any date in his head and employ nineteen theoretical tenses, but in some situations he feels like a four-year-old trying to remember which hand is the minutes.

One such situation is Minneapolis.

“Forgive me for this intrusion, your highness,” he manages, concentrating, trying to arrange his words in some sort of sequential order. Untime buffets him, and the sensors on his chronosuit creak into the red. “I boon to a request come–”

A sudden cessation; The Artist Formerly Known inclines his head. “Greetings,” he says, and will say, and has always been saying.

Von Murdder

In the base at the heart of the cinder cone
Sits a man who (accustomed to dining alone
In impeccable white with a gauntleted hand)
Ignores the procession of dish drones unmanned
To consider the boy who, despite being doomed,
Sat down at his table and quickly consumed
Half a dodo; pommes frites; a petit-four sold
By a Saudi ex-prince, iced with edible gold;
Truffle-sauce veal served with saffron baguette;
and fruits with no name from the wilds of Tibet.
At last, when he’s sated, cocksure as he’s young,
“Let’s talk,” he says, tiger still strong on his tongue.

Captain Skirt

“I thought you were a daredevil, pilot!” says Captain Skirt.  “Are you telling me you’re not crazy enough to enter the coordinates?”

“Nobody’s that crazy!” snaps Chesthair Laser.  “Travel through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, your holiness!  Without precise calculations we could fly right THROUGH the damn world-ship, or slam into a–”

“Wait wait wait, hang on. Could we do that on purpose if we wanted to?”

Chesthair Laser opens his sneering mouth for a retort, then closes it, then looks thoughtful.

They stick engines on a bunch of asteroids and just blow up the world-ship without going anywhere near it.

Marcel

Marcel first encounters Security Theater in school, when it is proclaimed throughout his county that henceforth only backpacks of transparent mesh will be permitted; this despite the fact that the kid who got caught with the airsoft pistol had it tucked into his pants.

Purses are exempt. Marcel and Theo immediately buy purses.

Twelve years later, this genre of performance art is the world’s most well-funded, “which is why,” says Marcel, “I’m concerned about the low production values.”

“Please step out of line, sir,” says the lady with the beeping wand.

“One second,” says Marcel, “let me grab my clutch.”

Ainsley

Looking through the heautoscope is unflattering, and Ainsley can see as much on Maartechen’s face. (Ergo, so can Maartechen.)

“Now, like a camera, it does add ten pounds,” she begins.

“I don’t care about that,” he says, not quite fuming. “But the little words floating around–they’re–is this a joke?”

“It shows you the self other people see,” she says. “Those are, um, translated from their impressions…”

“‘Preening?’ ‘Fickle?’ ‘Abrupt?’ Ridiculous! I don’t even know why I wanted this!”

He storms out of the shop. Ainsley sighs. She’d fix the dumb thing if she could stand to look through it.

Tach

Tach started out as a scryptkiddie, pulling packaged cants off the flood for pranks and petty larceny. Before long he was tinkering with his own dead linguistics; vintage parchment isn’t cheap, so he took jobs off a slist of indeterminate legality.  That was where he met Ashlock.

Their shared spark wasn’t attraction:  it was ambition.  Two days later they’d burned their employer for fifty bills and walked away to scrounge copper for a hacking den.

Tach has no regrets, because dealing with the unspeakable screws with your memory.  Considering the circumstances, he’s wondering if it gives you a death wish too.

Wolfram Tungsten

Like most things that float in the sky, Chryse appears serene, but its atmosphere is tense as guy wire.

“We’re the tail of the archipelago, and the sharks are circling,” says Clary Sage. “If we refuse to take up arms, like Psyttalia–”

“What happened on Psyttalia was a failure of engineering,” growls Wolfram Tungsten.

“The raiders won’t distinguish that!”

His fist thumps oak. “And our engines won’t fail! Besides, who on this island will you call to arms? Teenage artificers? White-haired herbalists?”

“My hair is not white, Wolfram Tungsten,” says Clary Sage.

“I can see that, Clary Sage,” he says.

Maurice

“Okay, well, bad news first.  The sample did come back positive for antibodies to AD36,” says the doctor in her lilting Northern inflection.

Maurice feels as if someone has stepped on his viscera.  “I’m a carrier.”

“Most people are asymptomatic.  Even if you do begin displaying infectobesity, proper diet and exercise–”

“You don’t understand, he says.  I’m American.”

“Oh.”  She gets it.  “The Healthy Kids Act.”

He swallows.  “I’m a teacher.  If I get selected for testing next year–the camps–”

“You can claim asylum here, Mr. Langham.  I’ll give you an address.”

But Maurice is picturing his fifth-graders, apple-cheeked, innocent, doomed.

Alcid

“It’s an unreasonable request.”

“Yes, it is, but reason doesn’t enter into it at this point.” Alcid looks strained. “You have to fix the race.”

Proper makes jerky movements with her hands. “They’re dachshunds, Alcid! We can barely get them to point the right direction in the first place!”

“Then just… dope them or something!” Alcid says. “Like with horses!”

“Like with horses.”

“Yes!”

Proper slips a little Pepto-Bismol into their food dishes, which–as it turns out–is not the same as Alka-Seltzer like she thought. Miss Whiffles wins anyway. She thought she saw a piece of cheese.

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