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Monthly Archives: July 2009

Stark

It’s all coming in small and dry at the sinking end of summer; Stark looks glumly over the shriveled crop and wonders whether they’ll provide any juice at all.

“Are they supposed to look like that?” asks Antonia.

“They didn’t used to,” Stark admits. They follow the reaper along the elevated walkway into the big barn.

“You tried fertilizer?”

Stark shakes his head. “Costs money.”

“Pesticides?”

“They can swat their own flies.”

“Crop rotation? Irrigation? Er, compost? Anything?”

“Look,” snaps Stark, “if I wanted to tend to something I’d grow corn,” as the brain harvest squishes out onto the threshing floor.

Recommendations Based on a Post Hoc Analysis of the Benisko Experiment

That the remainder of the research group be persuaded, by means of entirely positive entreaties, to continue working at the company and attending interview sessions.

That the control group be compensated for their time, released, and replaced with one better representative of area demographics.

That all particle transmission containment procedures be reviewed end-to-end, rethought, reinforced and reinstituted on an enterprise scale.

That, considering press coverage attitude and buzzword penetration, further investigation in this vein be rebranded and possibly shifted to another subsidiary (see attached).

That, given stockholder preference and the anticipated cost/benefit ratio, investigation in this vein continue.

Kaijuville

“Next on the agenda,” says Iolaus, “the proposed ballot measure to implement quotas on non-kaiju residents in federal housing.”

A throat clears like a collapsing building.

“I know there’s some opposition–”

The throat clears again; people take cover.

“But we have to consider placing one kaiju versus twenty-five families in a given unit and YES Vulfhor what IS it,” says Iolaus.

“I just want to avoid any hint of reverse discrimination,” sniffs the eighty-foot-tall purple lycanthrope.

“You smashed six housing projects last week!”

Vulfhor shakes his head sadly. “And here I thought we were past all that.”

Liz

They watch him in the side mirror of the car, sipping Thai iced teas. He’s brooding, flipping pizza in a sullen chain restaurant kitchen, not looking up.

“I believed my own hype,” mutters Liz. “Stupid. I thought if I loved him, that if I tried, I could fuck the crazy out of his brain.”

Delarivier shakes her head. “Your failure lies in where you placed his crazy.”

“You don’t have to put our whole relationship in terms of my failure,” says Liz.

“I didn’t. You did.”

“Then where was it really, smartass?”

“Men,” says Delarivier, “are crazy down to the bones.”

Sacker

“It was at this point,” says Sherrinford, “that he shook my hand–”

“Aha!” says Sacker. “From which gesture you surely gathered a panoply of interesting details.”

“It was neither limp and cold, like a dead fisherman’s, nor crushingly tight like that of some great Russian sadist,” says Sherrinford. “His fingers were slightly moist from the exertion of climbing the stairs. The shake was appropriately firm, and ended after a clasp and a slight vertical movement.”

“And what did you deduce?” asks Sacker, mustaches twitching.

“Almost completely nothing,” says Sherrinford, “the only people who don’t shake hands like that are in books.”

Isabella

The secrets of the Witches of Athay include a method for storing all the blood in your body in a jar in the cooling cellar. Isabella does so, with a knife and a pipette, then gives Patrick the umbrella and leads him out into the storm of glass. The music of the shards is beautiful; the cuts don’t hurt. She seals them up with superglue.

In the cooling cellar again, she pours her blood back in through her ear.

“I think you should have waited,” says Patrick.

“What?” says Isabella, as, in a pattern of tiny fountains, she begins to leak.

Cordovan

The first thing you need to make a shoe is a last.

That’s not quite true: first you need to outline the sole, like a child with crayon. That guides you down the shop’s row of foot-shaped lasts. Cordovan’s shop is the top landing in a stairway with a broken roof lock. His rock maple lasts are pristine.

You don’t go to Cordovan for penny loafers; you go for the shoes in which they’ll never catch you. You go for the blessings he sews into them, the names of the Knights of St. Crispin, lip to tongue to feather edge.

Konigsberg

“Isn’t the whole concept of a muse a pretty thin sham?” says Konigsberg. “It’s a tissue of precedent over the sharp fact that old men will always try to impress young women–“

“I use my muse all the time,” says Vanessa, sipping PBR. “He’s a seed.”

“What?”

“Specifically, the seed for a linear congruential generator, which generates pseudorandom numbers. I compare those against the lookup tables in old RPG sourcebooks. That’s where I get my ideas.”

Konigsberg snorts, not taken in. “And what happens when you’ve used up all the tables?”

“Dump him,” says Vanessa, with a melancholic smile. “Move on.”

Popsy

Popsy and Mr. Tibbins are munching on wildflowers by the side of a comfortable road.

“I trust you’re coming over for tea this afternoon, Mr. Tibbins?” says Popsy.

“Indubitably!” smiles Mr. Tibbins, and the sun winks happily off his monocle.

They bound joyously away, pausing only to wave hello to their friend Jubilee, a fox in a derby hat who had long ago resolved to become a vegetarian and only what?

What do you mean there’s no conflict? It’s a story about BUNNIES of COURSE there is no CONFLICT

Bunnies aren’t supposed to have conflicts

bunnies are supposed to be friends

Corwin

“There is nothing outside the hypertext?” says Corwin dubiously.

“See, you’re underlining my point–”

“Har har.”

“–by using a multiply referential statement in everyday conversation,” says Burnside. “That sentence could have footnotes. And what’s HTML? A footnote automation device.”

“No, it’s a device for pouring Google juice into spambots.”

“You’re not even a little excited by this paradigm? All text is hyper! Great books of the future could be theme-tagged and intertextual, not just cheaply linked and shuffled–”

“I already bought version 1.0 of this browser,” says Corwin, “and it cost fifty thousand dollars and four years of my life.”

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