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Monthly Archives: August 2007

Hollis

“You know, I actually graduated thinking I’d report the news?” says Hollis dreamily.

“Didn’t you ever intern anywhere?”

“Just the college paper,” Hollis shrugs. “It was pretty big. I thought it’d be close to professional.”

“With snippy professors talking about ‘facts’ and ‘sources–‘” chuckles Landon.

“The First Amendment!” says Hollis. “War correspondents in their noble vests!”

Landon shakes his head. “And then you started working here. That’s one way to get an education.”

Hollis drags the headline a little bigger. “What do you think?”

Landon glances at it. “Check the morgue file first,” he says, “we don’t want to repeat ourselves.”

Hawthorne

“Well,” says Amovar, “I’d put chainsaw teeth on the locomotive, obviously.”

“Humdrum!” brays Furtenstein. “Pedestrian!”

“I wasn’t finished,” snaps Amovar.

“I’d try a bit of macromillipede biotech myself,” says Hawthorne. “Infinite legs skittering down the rails, poison tail and so on.”

“Far-fetched! Unlikely!”

“You’ve yet to offer anything yourself,” says Amovar sourly, and squints against the dust of the 3:13. “I’d also make the whole thing a particle accelerator–”

“But would you make it run on time?” quips Sanjay.

They stare at him.

“It would take a different kind of madness altogether,” murmurs Hawthorne, “to even try.”

“Pervert!” says Amovar.

Kringle

“Little Billy Jenkins: Nice.”

“Give him an iPod,” growls Kringle.

“Noted,” says the elf. “DeWon Phelps: nice.”

“iPod!”

The elf frowns. “Murdock Vermilion. Naughty.”

Black iPod.”

“Really!” the elf protests. “Doesn’t that reward–”

“iPod!” snarls Kringle, snatching a white box from the stack and devouring it. “iPongh! IPHOMPH!”

That night, when it actually starts snowing iPods, one CEO surveys the blizzard with resignation. “It’s time,” he says. “Woztongue, fetch the sled.”

“But sir!” whimpers Woztongue. “His defenses are impregnable!”

“Nothing’s hackproof,” says the CEO grimly, activating the iDogs and skimming out onto the shattered plastic. “Santa Jobs is coming to town.”

Gordon Ramsay

“I raise my own turkeys, you know.” Gordon Ramsay has opened the 1942 Petrus and it’s making him exactly as voluble as he normally is.

Tell him you’d heard that. Aren’t they named after his rivals?

“Oh, yes, in 2005. I’m afraid they’re long since dead and eaten now. As are four of their namesakes.”

Isn’t that curious!

“They swabbed my knives for DNA every time,” chuckles Gordon Ramsay. “As if any chef would waste a good knife on a stabbing.

Tell him that’s reassuring.

“No,” he replies, “a little hatchet works just as well,” and buries it in your neck.

Mab

Mab whips her steed with a jagged cricket’s leg and it buzzes into a long vertical loop (the g-force is negligible at their size). Her pack circles in apparently random paths which, if watched long enough, resolve a fractal coverage pattern.

They catch the aromatic trail at last and lunge after it: the perfect philotic communion of the insect hunt. “Tally-ho!” Mab screams, eyes alight. “When we catch the little bastard, we’ll show him what nightmares are made OH SH–”

Monique hacks and spits and slows down to try and scrape them out of her throat. Goddammit. Fucking gnats.

Dammet

“The minute I saw you waltz in here I knew you were trouble.”

“Just the kind of trouble you need,” purrs Kitty Le BoomBoom. “My old man somehow got the idea that I’m friendly with the pool boy and now he wants us to be splitsville–but if he has a convenient mishap first, I’m still tops in the will. Whaddaya say, gumshoe? Sixty-forty on a million clams?”

“Fifty-forty,” growls Dammet, “and ten points sends your pool boy to Acapulco.”

“Deal,” grins Kitty.

It’s totally cool! Nothing bad happens!

They just get rich and have sex all the time!

Proserpina

“Strike here,” and Proserpina taps the first two knuckles of her fist, “even if you’re wearing gloves. Keep your off hand a little farther out, to act as a guard; that gives your better arm more extension distance, and that makes it more powerful. And for heaven’s sake don’t swing like that. Draw back a little, then uncurl your fist so it ends up straight–see?”

“Who taught you all this?” pants Radiane.

“A friend. Named Tom.”

“And why do you think you need it? To beat up girls in the lunchroom?”

“As if I’ll need to,” smirks Proserpina, “after you.”

Heidi

Heidi quits exercising and her brain, predictably, goes to flab. She pinches it every morning in the mirror and sighs. It’s just so hard to find the time for sudoku!

She’s still on the same 5000-kibibit diet as when she was building serious cortex, but it’s all junk food now–Twitter, Reddit, occasional blink fiction. When her spare tire droops to her ears, she finally has the brainband installed to limit her intake.

“Seriously?” ask her friends, eyeing the little scars. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“No, no,” says Heidi brightly, “but sorry, if I listen any more I’ll have to blog.”

Cehrazad

Dunyazad’s face was rounder than Cehrazad’s, cheekbones higher, eyes set more deeply. The carefully repaired glass mask doesn’t fit.

“Pity,” murmurs the King, handing it to an attendant. “There’s some resemblance. Have you other daughters, Lord Loong?”

“To be honest, Your Majesty, I’ve never bothered counting the children,” says Cehrazad’s father. “I have wives for that. But no one in my house would hide from you; feel free to search.”

Cehrazad is holding her sister’s face hard, but it flickers there. When the King glances back for a sharp moment, she feels she must be shimmering, like a hot summer road.

Tamiquah

All the teachers in Borderlands Elementary are trained in basic quasidemon defense, but Mr. Rosenthal makes it a point of pride. Claws rake off his lesson planner; he blasts back with light from the overhead projector. Quasiflesh explodes with a smell like dust and Kool-Aid. Tamiquah and Billiam huddle with the other kids, ducked and covered, peeking out to watch.

“Kids!” shrieks the last remaining beast. “There’s only one book you really need to–”

“We’re going to have to clean this up again, aren’t we?” sighs Tamiquah, dodging a gurgle of ichor, as Mr. Rosenthal demonstrates how safety scissors aren’t.

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