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Monthly Archives: April 2007

SS Whale Fall

The crew of the SS Whale Fall never joke about Jonah. Jonah was swallowed by a fish. Their ship, they know, is warm-blooded.

Hers is the only starwhale corpse ever to beach itself in the gravity well. The scientists stripped her down as best they could, and the Navy got the skeleton. Then they started building her back up.

She’s cobalt-clad now, big plates that flex visibly when she vents reactor steam from her blowhole. Micrometeors have accumulated to give her craters like sucker scars. Her fins shift: they’re diving out, through the heliospheric current, towards colder, darker space.

Richard

“Not that kind of demon,” huffs the Judging Demon.

“What kind, then?” Richard’s thinking, yeah, he could probably take this thing. It doesn’t even have horns.

“A purpose-built slave,” it says acidly. “Maxwell’s, UNIX, what have you. Give me your papers.”

Richard does. “They say I’m a heretic. Dissenter.” He pitches low. “Freedom fighter. Understand?”

It nods, then lifts him up davinciwise and removes his flesh. At one point, Richard screams so hard that he vomits a tiny wooden man.

“There you are,” says the Judging Demon. “Sticking around this time?”

“We all got jobs,” it mutters, wiping away bile.

Nairobi

In the streetcleaner cockpit she gets a lot of incurious stares–by 0400, the waking few are already deep in internal monologue. Nairobi ignores them. She’s not interested in humanoid waste.

One dig in the streetcleaner’s filter trap yields two bookcases’ worth of quasilegal tech: decks and smartguns, goggles and blades. And fingers. A lot of exotically-modified fingers. Most of it cleans up just fine.

Nairobi never tries the goods herself; supplying the pale and slender corporate raiders makes her feel important enough. She’s a crucial part of the ecosystem. The street, after all, finds its own users for things.

Vostok

Here is a magic spell: if you eat the spadix of a specially anointed peace lily, you will go mute.

Therefore all florists must examine lily-buyers carefully. They must determine the likelihood that buyers will visit political or intelligence prisoners, and report them if necessary. Visitors sneak the stalks in between their toes, and feed them to those being interrogated, who will then be useless even for amusement, and must be shot.

Here are some ways Vostok tries to recognize sympathizers:

  • Are they crying?
  • Are they pulling out their hair?
  • Are they furtively glancing?
  • Do they look like his mother?

The Justin

How did the Justin master guitaidō? There are many stories.

Some say the knowledge was always within him, waiting for the blues to crack his soul and set it free.

Some say it was within the Martin, that it belonged to Nakayama himself; but these are fools.

Some say Jesse the Body taught him, on the long ride from Hennepin to Mendocino. But could they have practiced, with a single axe between them?

Some say the Justin watched a lot of Zatoichi movies.

Some say he is no master, just an onanistic honky with an effusive publicist.

But these are dead.

Joey

“As long as placental mammals rule the planet, marsupials are victims of oppression,” says Joey, and downs a nicotini. “Heeaghh,” he adds.

“Are you talking about interspecies classism again?” says Hexley. “I’m calling you a cab.”

“No, let him keep going,” giggles Quantis.

“Marxupials!” says Joey. “Proof by portmanteau! Please dump out this drink and whoever invented it. Can I have another?”

“You can’t acquire the means of production,” says Hexley gently, “without tools.”

“The war is coming,” insists Joey. “If you’re smart you’ll join me on the winning side!”

Then he goes out and gives a bunch of koalas chlamydia.

Rashid

There exists a tendency, of anyone born before roughly 1983, to perceive the computer as a static thing. It’s an entity, a beige box, at the least a container with value. Pass that ragged edge and they understand that the computer is a disposable access point to ephemeral markers of value: your Top Eight, your email, your flist and your icon collection. Your Facebook. Your away message. Your place in the world.

So what’s the next step? Rashid thinks he might know. He dreams of them sometimes, all in their tremendous gerbil balls, faces and handles flickering surfacewise in laser light.

South

“You’ve never done it before, have you?” Seven’s grinning, but South doesn’t make excuses.

“You can talk to me about this or you can play kid-brother games,” he says. “Your pick.”

Seven nods. “You’re right. Okay, honestly? It’s going to be awkward the first time and she won’t want to talk about it. It’ll be over very quickly, and any joke you crack will make you look like a twelve-year-old. All you can do is relax and be… professional.”

The next day South and Rebecca make out for twenty-two takes. They’re all good takes, every single one.

Ron

They meet in the writers’ room after lunch to break it.

“I’ll go first,” says Ron, and strips down to his cutoffs and sandals before opening the cage. The story scrambles out on awkward legs; Ron dodges, too nimbly for his size, and gets an arm around its jaws. (Keeping them closed is easy; keeping them open will cost you a hand.)

“Little help?” he gasps as it bucks, tail lashing.

“Current events!”

“Dream episode.”

“Role reversal?”

“A chicken!”

“Maybe,” says Kandyse thoughtfully, “if we gave it another story…”

Everyone stares in pity. “Go ahead,” sighs Ron, releasing it, “eat her.”

Laura Linney

“People tend to confuse me,” sighs the woman next to you. Shit. What was her name? Not Helen Hunt. Laura… Laura Dern?

“I mean, not that they make me confused,” she laughs, “although they do. They mix me up with other, more well-known actresses.” Linney. Somebody Linney. Stretched out, lazy, toes hidden in the sheets. “And secretly? I use that to my advantage.”

Lean up on your elbow to look at her. Her straight razor is already dipping for your throat.

“Who will they arrest this time?” she muses, washing your lifeblood from her hands. “God, I hope it’s Streep.”

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