• As I mull over my current circumstances, “dire situation” is a phrase I hesitate to use, but it’s probably as accurate as any. That hit home tonight when I realized the graybeard was shamelessly prospecting during his traditional Wednesday evening bicycle ride.
Sorta sad, eh?
Long day. All pro-bono. All day. Long face.
Last night before bed I read Ian’s post about his mother, and it would’ve buckled my knees if I hadn’t been sitting down. And then I had this dream where I was swimming in a pond and there was this powerful suction hole at the bottom that carried water a good ways off, and I got up the courage to swim into it and it sucked me through a tunnel and spat me out down a hill. Then someone else decided to try it (I won’t use a name), and they didn’t come out the other side. I had the horrible realization that the person had become stuck and was probably struggling and holding his breath, so I had to decide immediately whether to go in, too, with the hope of possibly dislodging him and forcing us through, but having the clear awareness that we would likely both be stuck and drown—or whether to do nothing—and I had to decide NOW. It was so frightening that I woke up and I haven’t forgotten about it yet. Sorry, I promise I won’t make a practice of recording my dreams here. Maybe all this is because I was talking to Mombo about that bad dream I had back in January.
Band Festival, Salvation Army, Bicycle Commission…
Alas, where did my Monday go?
Another week ends with little sense of breakthrough and too much sense of struggle. I had the strong feeling today that the experiment clarified the power of correct tactics, but is of limited value without the proper strategy. Perhaps the strategy will come out of applying the organizing principle, but I doubt it. There’s a missing key that’s greater than diligence, a missing key that must fuel the perseverance.
Tonight we were the guests of Jeannette and Ben, two more of our generous friends (the secret treasure in my life), along with Kathy and Bill, and Shirley and Larry. Of the four couples, we are the only one not enjoying an extraordinarily comfortable retirement rooted in a lifetime of dedicated work. These are people with whom I am totally at ease one-on-one, but the harder I tried to relax, the more uncomfortable and out of place I felt. My state of unease was silly and unnecessary, but I didn’t seem to be able to remove it, any more than I was in a position to take off my shirt.
On top of it all, I realize that it really had nothing to do with my environment or my companions. As long as my life is out of balance, I’ll feel stuck in a rut, and so I’ve got to keep striving to sort this out.
Again, Emerson’s words weigh on my mind:
I find the coincidence of the extremes of eastern and western speculation in the daring statement of Schelling, “there is in every man a certain feeling, that he has been what he is from all eternity, and by no means became such in time.” To say it less sublimely, — in the history of the individual is always an account of his condition, and he knows himself to be a party to his present estate.
• I had a prospect call me to ask our hourly rate. It’s not the type of question you like to hear up front. The person is already caught up in a comparison of apples to lemons. It becomes complicated to explain our schedule of fees, which primarily serves as a basis for estimating a total project. I had a follow-up question for him:
“If you find someone who charges $30 per hour, and it takes them an hour to come up with an idea, but it takes me 15 minutes to develop a concept based on a track record of effectiveness, which is the better deal?”
I didn’t get to ask it. He’d already hung up as soon as I said our top charge for creative consultation is $100 per hour. As much as I hear about how design conscious our society has become, I rarely find evidence that people understand more about my profession than they did when I started out 30 years ago, but I’ll shut up now, because you didn’t visit this site to hear me whine and complain…
Dana just left to drive Bruce back to his home in Indianapolis. He seems very weak, but in reasonably good spirits.
I could accept that few members of my extended family were able to make the same trip while Bruce was in the hospital for the better part of a year. It’s much harder for me to understand how only three of them—Joan, Brendan, and Caitlan—could manage a visit while he was in the hospital for more than a week, right here in Danville. Mombo stopped by today, but just missed them. I think she feels very sorry about it.
Nobody likes hospitals, except perhaps for some of the people who work there… perhaps… However, there’s got to be more to it than that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m part of a wonderful Clan, but life can be strange, and certain things happen that just don’t make any sense, and probably never will.
My love of April pulses through the senses… the perceptions of life reborn, and the resurrection flame in every emerald shoot.
My respect for March is a sober weight on my heart… the power of the experiment wanes, like a staggering man who clutches someone’s sleeve to steady himself. The currents of life swirl at my newly found stability, threatening to undermine the uncured foundation.
I feel the low gravitational energy of 2005 pulling at my center.
And so I mount the two-wheeled steed with my cohorts, and defy the hills until my lungs want to explode.
To fly with the redwing blackbirds, as the wind drinks my tears…
Two incidents contributed to a higher level of perceived insecurity here on West Broadway.
The other night, somebody broke into the public library just to steal the loose-change jug at the circulation desk. It had been a well-known, symbolic part of the fundraising drive to build the major expansion toward our home. It was the second time the jug was stolen. After the first time, it was attached to a drawer with cable. The burglars took the drawer, too. The result: library managers have said they won’t put out a third jug.
Yesterday, while Marty was helping me trim back the heavy bushes between the Town House and the CPAs’ building next door, we found a discarded purse. The driver’s license was still in the wallet, but no money. It was hard to tell how long it had been there. It was immediately taken over to the police department. Marty shared a few insights into the behavior of crack addicts that I wished he didn’t have at his age. The result: when Dana had to walk over to the ATM last night after dark, I tagged along and packed heat in downtown Danville for the first time in recent memory.
This is how day twenty-nine has gone…
5:30 am — Is this what it feels like to go mad?
6:47 am — Am I on solid ground here, or am I out of my mind?
9:20 am — This will work. I’m a genius!
2:43 pm — This is absurd. What am I doing to myself?
4:02 pm — God, it would be so cool to do this every day.
7:58 pm — Wow. Maybe I’m really going to pull this off.
Now that I’ve learned the lesson not to worry about something that isn’t in front of me, I have to learn something more difficult, and that’s how to avoid spinning my emotional wheels with the real task that is in front of me, to stop fretting about how it will turn out and to promptly start making the first permanent marks on top of the sketch that will be erased. This might be the most critical habit I can develop, but it will require vanquishing another that has been on my back for most of my life, and I’m sick and tired of it…
Begin!
March experiment—day twenty-six— Some days start out bad and get worse. Today started out awful, but improved dramatically by evening. I feel fortunate. There were times when a morning like today’s might gnaw at me for a long time. It may seem obvious, but if you wake up to a spoiled serving, you need to deal with it head on, rather than letting it just sit there and rot.
Today’s sight bite— My smiling friend, with an African tracker and 1906 Oberndorf Mauser—c-l-i-c-k—proudly displaying his trophy impala in the harsh KwaZulu-Natal landscape.
Tomorrow— An early checklist of leftovers, to make way for a full day with the pen and brush…
March experiment—day sixteen— Woke up thinking I needed to dissolve last night’s angst about how I chaired the steering group meeting. Rather than stew about it, I trusted the “in-nerd” and resolved it by 7 am with a note to the guys who were there. Simple—thank them and pledge to do better. You wouldn’t think that I’d be figuring these things out at age 53, but there it is.
On our way to and from the Rotary lunch, David and I nailed down our strategy for promoting my pen and wash commissions. The timetable will be a bit of a crunch, but it dovetails with the home stretch of my prevailing time-management experiment.
Had some major breakthroughs on the equine graphics this week, so I locked myself into a presentation next Friday. The practice of self-imposed deadlines is a delicate art. Too far out is another form of procrastination, but too soon can invite disaster. Exactly right is a proven stimulant to creative productivity and concept integration. I don’t always get it right, but I’m a believer. If you don’t have an external due date, you have to create your own. Sadly, I have a wealth of experience trying to avoid what should be a self-evident truth.
After my conversation with Dr. Williams, a wave of fatigue came crashing in from behind me and I had to nap before Dana’s tasty fish-with-wild-rice supper.
Today’s sight bite— A Martini rifle, a walking horse, a hunter and his warthog, ten smiling handgun competitors—c-l-i-c-k, c-l-i-c-k, c-l-i-c-k—a flurry of digital images that etch the memory.
Tomorrow— Nine-mile run at daybreak, yard work, house cleaning, fine art, and English country dancing…
March experiment—day fifteen— Took a break after 20 laps and caught some rays on the deck next to the natatorium. I wasn’t expecting the sun to nullify the breeze, so I found it to be surprisingly comfortable for the few minutes I spent outside. The pool felt warm when I first got back in the water and soon finished up with 33 total laps—a perfect workout.
When I got back to the studio, I was able to find my way through a difficult juncture with the Burkmann equine symbology, even though I felt thoroughly stumped before my midday swim. Dr. Williams has set the bar rather high on this assignment, and I’m trying to avoid taking a “safe” approach. I wish it was self-confidence that drives me to employ a challenging design method, but I suppose it’s just fear of mediocrity.
Tonight’s brainstorming session with five other avid cyclists was moving along nicely until I let the meeting become diffused and run too long. I still have so much to learn about efficient meeting leadership, and I wonder if I’ll ever gain that valuable skill.
Today’s sight bite— Treating my eyes to a crocus bed of purple, white, and yellow splashes—c-l-i-c-k—before looking up to see bare-arm walkers and a ’57 Chevy Bel Air cruise by. (Don’t tell anyone in Punxsutawney, but spring arrived in Danville, Kentucky on March 16th.)
Tomorrow— Complete the Salvation Army stationery and invitation letter for April’s annual event…
March experiment—day twelve— This dismal weather is starting to get to me. I’d rather be forced to wear a heavy coat and gloves, if it would get me a blue sky. Continued to use my time matrix to chip away at projects, not all of them money-makers. Took the equine-packaging job from sketches to electronics this afternoon and that’s an important step. After five o’clock, I tried to finish cleaning up the front yard, but it started to rain. Didn’t that happen yesterday? Tonight I sat down again with “FLIGHT, Volume Two.” This collection doesn’t seem as awesome to me as Volume One, but I’m enjoying it immensely. That’s just the way it is with sequels, I guess. I can’t help but observe how much some of these artists have been affected by the drawings of Bill Watterson. Reminds me of when I look at political cartoons and realize that an entire generation of editorial artists have been influenced by Mike Peters and Jeff MacNelly.
Today’s sight bite— Sky like a canopy of yellow-grey bruises—c-l-i-c-k—with a tree swaying the way a nervous man shifts his weight from one leg to another.
Tomorrow— Wake up to the stationery bike and another gym workout (try to catch
Sebastian Junger on “Washington Journal”), and then get in some billable time before the Salvation Army executive committee meets…
Slept just fine on the cabin’s big leather sofa, but I awoke with a complete mental storyboard of action choreography for the climax of a gangster movie that doesn’t even exist.
All the more reason to re-calibrate my imagination when I get back to the prescribed studio discipline tomorrow…
A wise man once said, “There is nothing trivial about hat loss.”
My nerves were on edge today, until I retrieved from Centre’s lost-and-found collection the blue hat that once belonged to a man named Joe Wood.
• Opening a statement from the Social Security Administration did not get my day off on the right track, and it began to go downhill from there. Fortunately, I was able to recover a bit by putting some good sales moves on the Republican candidate for Boyle County Judge Executive, who will definitely need a high-credibility graphic image as part of any success campaign to unseat the entrenched incumbent. After that, I attended the opening of “4 Seasons — 4 Directions,” Kathleen’s inspiring collage exhibition at Danville’s Community Arts Center. By evening, Dana and I were in Berea with Lee and David, eating delicious Thai food and learning English Country Dance—so the day ended fully back on its proper rails.
We are led to believe it’s not advisable to drink by yourself, but there are times when I think that if one is to ever drink at all, the best option is to do it alone—totally alone—Ulysses S. Grant upstairs in his room with the door locked alone.
I heard a story yesterday about combat pilots in training. Each group goes into an oxygen deprivation chamber and half of them take off their masks. Eventually the half that maintains an adequate oxygen level has to struggle with the others, forcing them to put their masks back on so they won’t die.
I don’t have any particular reason to think that the story isn’t true, but last night I had a dream. I was driving a car in terrible, slippery weather and began to hear people screaming. I looked out the window to my left and saw a dam collapsing. I knew I had a split second to decide whether to flee away from the broken dam in an attempt to outpace the onrushing flood, or to drive uphill in the direction of the water, at an angle, with the possibility of escaping the rupture. I woke up before I could decide.
I laugh to myself every time I think about it, and I’m not sure if I should, or whether a bit of angst is the more logical response—as if angst ever had a thing to do with logic. When I was finishing my last stint as a 2005 Red Kettle bell ringer, Jeanne saw me at the Wal-Mart grocery entrance. She told me she was thinking of Grandy-bo because I was wearing the Hudson Bay coat that originally belonged to William Breidenbach, and she remembered that Dadbo wore it for a few years after Dana gave it to him. She didn’t realize it was me at first. We were having a sweet brother-sister moment when my Rotarian replacement arrived, a lady who’s a top employee at one of our client businesses. Jeanne put her arms around me and gave me a kiss. I said, “See you tomorrow night.” It wasn’t until later that I recalled the odd look on the woman’s face when I handed her the bell and wished her a Merry Christmas…
Dana made the trip back to Indiana today so she could help Bruce get acclimated at home again, hoping there’s truth in the old saying, “third time’s a charm.” Uncertainties about the security of his pain medications required her to personally sign and take responsibility for the powerful drugs, but I won’t be going into all that here. Suffice it to say—the long saga continues in Hoosierland, and this woman deserves to receive the 2005 “Mother of the Year” award.