Category: Writing

February 18, 2005 /

Okay, the useless trivia generator in my brain is telling me that there was some guy, some old famous writer, who used to get his best ideas as he was falling asleep. He would lie on a couch holding a spoon above a plate on the floor; when he dozed off, he’d drop the spoon and wake himself up, and then go write down whatever had popped into his head.

I am absolutely sure I didn’t make this up, but I don’t know about whom the story ostensibly was. Does anybody else remember?

Update 2211 hrs: It was Dali! Thanks to Jacob (I think).

February 12, 2005 /

So I lied. I still don’t trust that my funny-filter is better than yours, but I do think it’s better than Dog Bites Dog’s funny-filter (if not, alas, its funny-generator). It also occurred to me that a DBD weblog has a function other than filtering: I think it’s a good thing to archive and save the best bits for future humans, who won’t understand their context, because the links have rotted. But still.

Relatedly, like most postadolescent males, I have harbored in my gut the desire to start a satirical news publication. Since by far the best part of any such rag is the headlines, though, that’s all I ever bothered to produce. For the last few months, whenever I’ve felt particularly savage about something in popular culture, I’d come up with a headline and archive it. That wasn’t often enough to be a viable source of content on its own. Combined with somebody else’s generated headlines, though, it might be!

It is for these combined purposes that I’ve set up Dog Bites, a weblog in the vein of Spam As Folk Art. It should have new content every day or two, or more often if DBD is on a hot streak and I’m feeling hateful. I hope you like it! (And hey, my SAFA co-maintainers, let me know if you want in on some of this action.)

February 9, 2005 /

Oh, and speaking of Anacrusis: starting today, every new story has a special surprise!

February 9, 2005 /

Ah, damn. Hitherby Dragons has 367 entries today–actually yesterday–which means it’s officially outstripped Anacrusis, with its mere 365. Anacrusis started first (July vs September 2003), but Hitherby posts on Saturdays, so that was guaranteed. By math.

What you have to understand is that Hitherby Dragons and Rebecca Borgstrom are superior to my writing and myself in every possible way. I live in Kentucky; Ms. Borgstrom lives in Seattle. I have nearly completed a Master’s degree in CS; Ms. Borgstrom has her doctorate. I took AP classes; she registered at UCLA when she was 12. I want to design games someday; she writes for White Wolf, and already wrote Nobilis, the greatest damn game I’ve ever read. Her daily fiction work is usually about ten times as long as mine, without feeling like it, and every one is invested with the kind of psychotic whimsy I’d love to capture once a month. Anacrusis has 40 subscribers to its LJ feed; Hitherby Dragons has 161. It was described as “a webcomic without words” before I even thought of Anacrusis that way.

So I nurse just this tiny little coal of envy in my heart for Ms. Borgstrom and her extraordinary stories. In case you can’t tell!

You should be reading Hitherby Dragons. I have run out of words trying to find superlatives for it. I will steal them instead, by quoting Penny Arcade’s Tycho (in reference to Checkerboard Nightmare): “It’s so good that it’s depressing for me to read it. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. How am I supposed to stand out against that level of quality?”

Story Hacks: Third in a Series

January 24, 2005 /

Most professional writers have a cutesy answer to the common question “where do you get your ideas?” They’ll say things like “I don’t know,” or “stop asking me that,” or “I make them up, okay? I make them up.” Hilarious! But unhelpful nonsense all the same.

While every writer must groom and harvest his or her own individual muse-lines, it’s important to have the old standards as a fallback. That’s right–every writer in the world started out with the same closely guarded set of idea sources! Story Hacks had to break a solemn Writer’s Oath to bring you these, but here they are:

  • In the future, put the ideas for things you’ve already written into reverse time capsules. Open them now!
  • Eat a bunch of alphabet soup without chewing and throw it up real fast.
  • Call (818) 775-3993 and request extension 1013. When someone answers, say “we know the truth, Jaleel,” and hang up. An envelope will be slipped under your door in three to five business days.
  • Find a police officer, and hit him until he gives you some good ones!
  • Using the ancient art of misanthropomancy, divine your ideas from the entrails of your slaughtered enemies.*

    *Note: if short on enemies, try previous method.

Today’s Hack in a Nutshell: Why think when you can follow instructions!

January 1, 2005 /

I’ve had a lot of compliments on Anacrusis this week, which is unsurprising given that I’ve been blatantly jerking on heartstrings. Actually, maybe it’s not unsurprising. Either way they’re appreciated; thank you. I hope no one else minded the temporary intrusion of fact into my fiction diary, but I didn’t really have a choice. Monday it’s back to the usual nonsense. Happy new year.

December 30, 2004 /

Apparently the Xorphorum is dead. This doesn’t mean a great deal to me, as I haven’t read or posted there in months. I know how to fix the problem, but since email and the LJ feed comment threads pretty much fulfill my desire for discussion of my work, I don’t have any real motivation to do so–except for the thriving Acid Zen Wonder Paint fan community which has grown there. It would be pretty callous of me to leave them homeless.

So I’m probably going to delete all the fora but that one and turn over ownership of the whole kit to Stephen. I’d be happy to host the AZWP forum in perpetuity, but it’d make more sense (and give Stephen more control) if it were hosted under his domain. Then again, moving the forum would mean starting it over from scratch–user accounts, posts, everything. Hmm.

Stephen, what do you think?

Story Hacks: Second in a Series

December 21, 2004 /

The most important source of material for a writer is autobiography. After all, if it actually happened to you, it is by definition realistic! Realism is the most important thing in writing.

The trouble is that some people don’t like reading books that are obviously about the author. Fortunately, since such people are pretty dumb, you can throw them off the hook in one easy step. Let’s say it together: “gender swap!”

You didn’t say it!

If you’re male, make your protagonist female. If you’re female, make your protagonist male. If neither of these applies to you, no worries–that just means you’ve got twice as many options!

  • Advanced Hint: For a little harmless extra zing, try making your character homosexual. It could conceivably get your stock double-shelved into the Lifestyles section. Plus, you won’t have to do the gender swap again when you recount your old relationships! You should probably put something in about how you always felt different. Consumers love that stuff.

Above all, relax and don’t worry. Nobody will question your sexuality for any of this. Now get in the car.

Today’s Hack in a Nutshell: Men and women are pretty much the same, although whichever one you are is cooler!