Almost fourteen years ago, in the summer of a quieter and cooler world, I seized upon a social media post from my old friend John suggesting that a musician who lived in my city might want to play his game Lady Blackbird. I can run Lady Blackbird, I typed into a vanished website. Okay, a stranger responded. In this now-antique fashion I gained a new friend, whose nom de loi is Laser, and whose work I have followed with joy and admiration ever since.
Because Laser, despite gaining world-trotting fame and keeping very cool company, will still return my text messages, I thought I would press my luck and send him some questions to officially (?) make this series something that I do maybe (??). The following has been edited for tk tk tk come up with joke later. Hyperlinks are my own; photos are not.
I’m maybe trying out this thing on my blog where I interview people about their tastes without ever actually using the word “masculinity” but just dance around it instead and then trust that both of my readers will get bored and close the tab before they realize that I’m trying this hard to be oblique and clever. So I guess my first question is, how come when you wear a black vest over a black shirt with a contrast tie you look like you might be in Superchunk, and when I do it I look like a wedding DJ who plays all the novelty songs back to back?
A lot of it is swagger, unfortunately.
Bless you for the succinctness of this answer. I feel as if I have been struck apart by a katana so razor-sharp that I will not topple into two cleanly separated halves for an unknown length of time. While I await my doom… your new podcast, Not Real Men, has recently covered a couple of important topics: perseverance in the face of abrupt sociopolitical trauma overload by finding a niche to make a difference, and also Chad, the imaginary testosterone dude who lives in your brain and tries to seize the steering wheel of your libido. Who’s the most boinkable actor in your personal history of cinema, and would they post bad takes on the internet? Has this answer changed over time?
most boinkable? oh wow. I mean, colin firth is top always. I like to believe he would be wildly strong while also checking in constantly. He stays away from the internet, fortunately. this hasn’t really changed over time, I think because it’s easier to gain an imaginary crush, like music taste, when you are 14 and your brain is soft and nothing is real.
Speaking of movies, which I did because I wanted to ask this question, what kind of film nerd have you turned into? Like, we originally met because we both wanted to play a tabletop RPG that was more or less Firefly fanfic, which is in turn Star Wars fanfic, which is in turn kind of Kurosawa fanfic; these days I myself enjoy spending attention on Kurosawa more than I do on Star Wars. Meanwhile you live in LA, travel the world doing original shows, and probably hang out with a lot more working filmmakers than I do. What kind of work from the past do you like to study? What’s a movie or show you’re looking forward to in the future?
I do not really watch a lot of movies because sitting down to watch something is hard (ADHD) and exploring new stories is stressful (autism). But I do hang out with filmmakers, and when they make something that is really, really, personal, I like it. My favorite movie is Ghostbusters: Answer the Call because it shows the most realistic funny women I’ve seen (eating pizza) and all the men are stupid, which is a huge relief to me. I saw Wicked twice in theaters. I’m looking forward to Wicked part 2. I like it when people sing in theaters.
Speaking of tabletop RPGs, which I did because I wanted to ask this question, what secret ideas do you have in the back of your mind for an actual play series? What system would you want to use for it, and what tiny pet peeve of yours about the existing landscape of gameplay media would it fix?
I am not the target audience for Actual Play. Possibly I am spoiled because I have plenty of people to play games with, but honestly I don’t need to watch Actual Play – if I wanted to sit quietly while other people take their turns playing a game, I would just invite 4-5 people over to my home. SORRY.
I do enjoy improv because I love being bewildered by the act of creation, so when people play Fiasco or other rules-light games, I’m very, very in. I did produce an all-trans actual play series a couple years ago called Strumpets and Flagons, and that was a delight. That fixed the problem of non-trans people talking. I’ve really enjoyed watching Dimension 20 — primarily because it is edited. I guess my dream actual-play show would be a season of Dimension 20 with an all-transmasc cast aggressively flirting with Brennan Lee Mulligan. Like Dungeons and Drag Queens for boys.
I remembered that you once had a Fiasco podcast, which is what inspired this question, but despite my best efforts to follow your work I did not know about Strumpets and Flagons! I really like how you phrased being bewildered by the act of creation. Do you ever feel bewilderment in retrospect when you revisit your old songs or other creative work? Alternatively: can you give me any advice on how to develop taste without also cultivating chagrin toward one’s younger self?
Haha – I mean I am impressed with the young version of myself. He wrote over one hundred songs. What a talented, hard-working freak! I do need to take a couple years at least to look back on my art and enjoy it… but the further away I am, the more I am truly impressed.
I think there was a wonderful advantage that younger me had, lacking the self-censorship that comes from being rejected by gatekeepers, from being around people who are judgy about other people’s art, from having a lot of negative youtube comments thrown at him. He just made stuff that made him happy and it was so much easier for him than for me.
A lack of self-judgment is a huge gift. You have to make a lot of “bad” things to make good things… but also… some simple things are good. So why don’t you just make things and watch the puzzle fall into place? HUH? BRENDAN?!!! And don’t forget that you need to listen to the people who are encouraging you. When you don’t believe in yourself, you’re calling them liars. Don’t do that to people who love you!
Well, on that note, many years ago you had me moderate a panel for your band at Stumptown Comic Con, and I was so delighted and proud to even have been asked. Then you continued to be a musician for many years without requesting that I represent you in any way ever again, which was undoubtedly wise. Can you think of other areas of taste you have developed by learning from mistakes?
Hahaha I love you Brendan, you are incredible, and I am sure I only didn’t ask you again because I wasn’t given the chance to pick my own moderator. Also I got very tired of doing panels. Because of you. And how much asking you to moderate was a huge mistake. Wait…
I’ll be honest, I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on “mistakes,” I like to think of them as “lessons.” Living a life with regret as an option just makes decisions harder to make—and when I was a full-time self-employed artist, everything is always a difficult decision with high stakes. But I have learned many things. Be nice to the sound guy, even when he is clearly a sexist prick. Make a schedule that leaves lots of time for flexibility. Give yourself a little treat when things go wrong. Don’t write songs just because you think other people will like them.
The more specific you are when you write, even to the point of being specific only to yourself — the more relatable it will be, and the more other people relating to it will mean to you. If like 30%+ of your fans are trans, you are too, actually. And also 20% more of them are closeted trans people. Figure out ways to collaborate that don’t involve you bankrupting yourself (this is not a thing I am good at). Keep all of your emails and documents somewhere searchable. Live, laugh, love.
