If you call me and get my voicemail, and you’re not sure if you got the right number?
Rest assured that you did.
Category: Mild Lunacy
Check out this awesome plot twist I came up with
And the janitor says “I don’t know how you could have talked to him, sir, since he’s been dead for ten years.“
Somebody Fark this
Lisa came over tonight, and two things happened.
- We thawed some pre-cooked shrimp and, lacking cocktail sauce, attempted to make our own. You need horseradish to make cocktail sauce; we lacked horseradish as well. The ingredients we did have were ketchup, lemon juice and worcestershire sauce. We decided to attempt to make it, with something (garlic? cayenne?) substituting for horseradish.
Extrapolation of how this went is left as an exercise for the reader.
- We played some Halo 2, the first chance I’ve had to play co-op and a lot of fun. At one point, near the end, we witnessed something so fantastic that it forced the two of us to drag out my vidcapping equipment and record it for posterity. This is maybe the most important thing I have ever done.
Ladies, gentlemen, I give you: Headless, Breakdancing Master Chief.
Master Chief Breakdancing in .MP4 (4.23 MB)
Master Chief Breakdancing in .MOV (10.9 MB)
Post script: the above video formats are the only ones in which I can get a workable file size. If you can convert to .wmv, .mpg or .avi (and either get it under 10MB or host it), write me and I’ll arrange to get you a copy of the 30-meg source file.
Okay, I have to concede that even if I don’t know what it means, “winglike alary processes” is a beautiful set of words. Winglike alary processes. It’s not a band name… maybe it’s a song name. It’s better than that, though. Accidental poetry.
Winglike alary processes.
The inspiration was pretzel nuggets
I just had a great idea: if I ever direct a play again, which I won’t, because I’m a bad director, I wouldn’t have my actors warm up by doing exaggerated facial stretches and silly consonant sequences. (If you have a theatrical background you know what I’m talking about; if you don’t, rest assured that this is typically the case.) Instead, I would have them run through lines they hadn’t quite memorized anyway with grapes in their mouths. Or marshmallows, but grapes would be better for their vocal cords. See, it would force them to do all that stretching anyway to get around the grapes, and they’d be working on lines, and it’d be delicious! All at the same time!
Maybe this is one of those ideas that turn out not to be so great later.
“A-Rod Slaps Like A Girl” isn’t really a headline
Boston Overturned
Curt Schilling Dipped in Bronze
Game 7 Cancelled; Bodies of Sox Found Riddled by Tommy Guns
I’ve been listening to my Frou Frou CD a lot. So much, in fact, that if it were a record the needle would probably have damaged it badly by now. The lows would be warmer, but the quality of sound would be degrading, and little peels of vinyl would be poking up like splinters on a fuzz stick, the worst method ever invented to start a fire.
They replaced a bunch of parking meters on and near my street today, which means I just have to go out with a shovel and whang them all sideways again.
Unrelatedly, I was getting on the bus this morning when I saw a few shiny white cars all together, emblazoned with the following decals:
Louisville METRO PARKING ENFORCEMENT
and, slightly smaller,
EMERGENCY 911
I am still trying to envision a scenario to justify their coexistence.
Jasper takes off his hat to scratch his head. “See, it’s parked just… right up on the curb, there. A red curb. I don’t know, Waylon, what should we do?”
“Do?” snaps Waylon. He jerks the cell phone out of Jasper’s kangaroo pocket and thumbs three buttons. “I need the Louisville Metro Parking Enforcement Squa–“
Before he can finish the word, a driverless Corolla squeals up the street and whips around, braking hard. A man and a woman in suits and sunglasses parachute into the seats.
“Agents Long and Dervish,” says the woman coolly. “You called?”
Then, some buildings explode.
I just described (in my last post) a state of consumer gluttony as “getting all American,” which is really inaccurate because most of America is not, in fact, part of the United States. I mean, I’m sure there are poor-yet-rich fat people in Canadia too, but you see the point.
There is no good word in English for “of / from / relating to the United States,” which is why we use “American,” and that’s dumb. I seem to remember that Spanish has “Estadounidense,” which is great but comes from a whole other language, and English-speakers should be able to do better than that.
Here’s a list of alternatives I’ve come up with.
- United State-ian
- United Station
- United Static (currently my favorite, and the most accurate)
- Unish
- State-Uniter
- New! State-Unit
- New! Statoid
- Ämerïkaans
- USch