Category: Angst

October 18, 2002 /

The heat appears to operate entirely independent of my control, turning itself on sometime around 10 am and turning itself off around 10 pm. The knobs on some of the radiators don’t turn at all,and the ones that do turn have no effect. I wasn’t under the impression that this was how radiators worked! Evening is interesting, at least, as I have to open windows around 6 and turn the space heater on again by 11.

Things that have distracted me lately:

Del McCoury wins Bluegrass Award! McCoury Band Wins Entertainment Bluegrass! Bluegrass McCoury Wins Entertainment!

And that’s the news from Kentucky.

if I had a penny for my thoughts
I’d be a millionaire

October 13, 2002 /

We slept in the back of her SUV with the windows cracked and her sweater for a pillow. Around 8 or so I woke up and looked around, and there were three deer outside–two of them chasing each other, one just making its stately way across the field. They were maybe ten feet away. I thought about waking her up so she could see them, but she’d set her alarm for 9, and since we hadn’t actually gotten to sleep until around 5:30 (I think) I figured she could use another hour.

She’d scooted over in her sleep to the point where I was kind of crushed against the door. One of my arms was still asleep from where I’d had my head on it, and it was numbingly cold, especially since I’d given her most of the blanket. It had been less than nine hours since we met. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so comfortable.

The deer left, but by the time she woke up they were back.

September 20, 2002 /

I was wrong, incidentally.

Scent memories still freak me out a little sometimes. I know it’s really because long-term storage is next to the nose’s part of the hypothalamus, or whatever, but in practice it just works out so that even weak smells bring back really vivid scenes.

As it rained all night (during Homecoming! bastard rain!), and as we were dolled up for the occasion, Caitlan and I were sent with the rest of the candidates to wait in the library. As the library was locked, we hung out in the rear lobby of the Industrial Arts building downstairs.

The doors there were locked, too, but on the other side of one of them was the original MCHS CAD lab, the site of the first programming class I ever took. I’d messed around in BASIC since I was a kid, but that room was where I learned about Pascal, and about having a weird knack for it. Six years later I’m about to graduate with a BS in Comp Sci. The room still smells the same.

I wasn’t expecting much of a real homecoming, and in fact I only saw two other people from the class of 1999, one of whom recognized me. Instead I got memories of the game two years ago, when my brother was on court. I watched him and his friends stride around like giants who were still learning to shave. I was so proud and awed I thought my heart would burst. I had a girl on my arm with the biggest smile in the world.

I thought about Erika for the first time in a while tonight, and it was sharper than I thought it’d be. I thought about my brother, and how he’s felt lately. I wish I’d really known how to shave myself, so I could have shown him.

September 5, 2002 /

Apartment update: There’s no stopper for the kitchen sink, so I’ve been using a wad of Saran Wrapto plug up the drain in order to do dishes. If you were to conclude from this, without other information, that I’m living in a guys’ apartment, you’d be right. But, y’know, at least we are doing the dishes (which we only dirtied four days ago).

As is usually the case when there’s actually a lot happening in my life, I haven’t had time to write it down. I have literally not spent one continuous hour in leisure activity since Monday,when it became apparent that I was going to have to personally reset the speed and duplex mode on every single Ethernet card in Cheek / Evans. There are 109 students in Cheek / Evans, and almost all of them have computers. You can imagine the rest.

I’m also way way behind on the Cento web site, which is supposed to go live next Monday (this statement and the preceding paragraph are not unrelated). I’m really unhappy about this, plus of course the fact that the middle room is a disaster zone. A lifetime of Mom’s cleaning habits is starting to drive me out of my mind. I know I don’t have time to clean up all my junk, and I don’t even really want to, but if I don’t do it soon I’m going to start screaming at random. Thanks, Mom!(I’m kidding. Mostly.)

Also I got a girlfriend. You might have guessed that.

I think I’m really going to enjoy this year if I can ever catch up enough to notice that it’s happening.

so what! say what! for your own sake
do you have a headache or heartbreak?
P.S. Anthropology rocks!

September 1, 2002 /

So I’m back online. If I haven’t gotten to your email, I will soon.

Running is the art of deliberately hurting yourself a little more than you really want to be hurt. I went for a run today, a physical self-flagellation in lieu of a mental one. It started raining about half a mile in, big thick drops. It still wasn’t enough.

August 25, 2002 /

Tomorrow I am finally moving back to Centre. TOMORROW I am FINALLY moving BACK.

You can tell it’s serious because my computer is unplugged.

I’ve been wanting to go back for what seems like forever, and not just for broadband. Not much has happened, really, but this still feels like it’s been a summer of Homeric proportions. I don’t know, maybe we’re starting later than usual this year. I guess I wouldn’t want it any other way. Tomorrow I’m really a senior.

gather up yourjackets
move into the exits

August 23, 2002 /

Today is my sister’s birthday! Caitlan is eighteen! Happy birthday, Caitlan!

In other news, Sumana has frequently plugged Bookfinder, a kickin’ service that, well, finds books. It’s kind of like the “network of bookstores” that Amazon uses to find out-of-print books, only much, much better. I was reading some of her comments on the service and how cool it was, and I kept thinking “gee, I wish I had a rare or used book that I was looking for.”

A couple days later, I was surprised to remember that I WAS looking for such a book, and had been for three years–Orson Scott Card’s short story omnibus, Maps In A Mirror. Bookfinder turned up several copies, all of which were too expensive at the moment, of course, but most of which were still cheaper than the few an Amazon search turned up two years ago.

So I went away satisfied, but came back tonight when I remembered a book that this amazing girl had showed me at a convention. The book is Anthropology, and it’s one of those forced-restriction masterpieces: 101 stories, each 101 words long. What I got to read of it was fantastic, and I wanted my own copy, but I remembered she’d said it was out of print.

Which it is–but tonight I found it for just ten bucks with shipping, and bought it. Thanks to Bookfinder! Hooray, Bookfinder!

August 20, 2002 /

Someday I will invent a tiny device that consists entirely of a wound radio antenna, a one-tone speaker, a battery, and some adhesive. I will then attach these devices to every single thing I own. When I’m done with that, I will assign each device a unique low-watt radio band all for itself, and put together a remote control that can broadcast on any of those bands. The remote will be voice-operated, and keyed to my voice, so that all I have to say is “where is my {stupid, fucking, blue} CD case?” and the device attached to that CD case sets off a furious beeping. Maybe THEN I won’t LOSE THINGS SO OFTEN.

(Hypothetical problem #1: What happens when I lose the remote? I guess I could create a secondary backup remote to find the first, but that way madness lies.)

August 15, 2002 /

Right now it’s showering sideways, and the wind is blowing so hard the water is going up the hill. Yesterday it was a lot harder. The picnic table almost flipped off the deck, and the first tree we planted when we moved here split. It’s not exactly down the middle, because the trunk is mostly intact, but about half the branches are sheared off in one big clump.

The tree looks lopsided now, of course. The other half is still lying on the ground on the lawn,and I keep looking at it like it’s an open wound. Which it is, I guess. I want to cut the dying part off and drag it behind the house, to patch up the torn part with tar, but it’s raining now and Mom says it’s going to die anyway.

I just finished The Bean Trees. I don’t go back to school until the 25th.

July 20, 2002 /

GSP is done as of twenty-eight hours ago; the post-GSP party/nap/wake for the RAs is done as of seven hours ago. It’ll be good to get some sleep,but of course I’m sad. This year I actually had some idea what I was doing, and with a couple notable exceptions I felt closer to all of my Scholars because of that. I miss them.

There are stories, the ones I couldn’t tell while things were in session because I was on the job. Now they can, in fact, be told, but I don’t currently have the strength for that much typing. I’ll get to it soon.

Meanwhile: I get to go see Angie! Again!