GRANT MARLOWE SAVES THE DAY
            Brendan Adkins

				(Lights up on a  bench and a chair.  REUBEN 
				is sitting on the bench, GRANT is sprawled on 
				the chair.  REUBEN is wearing a black nylon 
				shirt, unbuttoned, over a t-shirt,  
				and GRANT is sitting on a baseball cap.)

				REUBEN
	Leprosy.  Imagine you're in kind of a cockpit, only instead of flying you're 
	controlling a body.  A human body.  You work the fingers and eyelids and knees 
	with levers, and at first it's clumsy but soon enough it gets reflexive.  Then 
	after a while it goes beyond reflexive, until you don't notice you're moving 
	levers anymore, you just think in terms of limbs.  And after a while longer you 
	don't even think at all, it's like it's your body, and when it gets excited you 
	get excited, and when it gets bumped you stumble.  But it doesn't hurt.  You 
	stumble but it doesn't hurt.

				(pause)

				GRANT
	You ever drop the acid, Reuben?

				REUBEN
	(sighing)  No.

				GRANT
	Seriously.  Don't take this the wrong way?
	But you sound kind of like a basket case.

				REUBEN
	No, I never dropped acid.

				GRANT
	You sure?  Maybe you took a real bad trip
	And it screwed up your memory, and now
	You don't even remember when or how.

				REUBEN
	I really doubt that.

				GRANT
	Oh.  Well then maybe you should try it, dude,
	Since you sound like a nutcase anyway.

				REUBEN
	You ever do any drugs, Grant?

				GRANT
	No!  Never!

				REUBEN
	Oh.  Sorry.

				GRANT
		Unless you count weed.  I don't.
	If weed screwed you up I'd be...  really screwed.

				REUBEN
	That's reassuring.

				GRANT
	Like REALLY screwed up.  But I'm not, am I?
	But acid, man...  that messes with your brain.
	(looks meaningfully at REUBEN)

				REUBEN
	I didn't do acid, Grant.  Scout's honor.

				GRANT
	Whatever you say, man.  Well, anyway,
	I have to go have sex with my hot girlfriend.
	Or maybe we're just having lunch.  Not sure.
	Definitely something with my girlfriend.

				REUBEN
	I kind of hate you, Grant.  No offense.

				GRANT
	None taken, buddy, none taken at all. (exits left)

				(REUBEN shakes his head, then looks over where GRANT 
				was sitting; there is a beat-up baseball cap on the 
				seat.  REUBEN picks it up and calls off left.)

				REUBEN
	Hey!  Grant!  You left your...  never mind.

				(REUBEN drops the cap on the ground, then sits on the 
				bench and broods.  Enter SABRINA from right; she digs 
				in her pocket and tosses some change into the hat. 
				She continues walking toward left, but after a moment 
				of confusion REUBEN stands up.)

	Hey!  Wait!  No, I'm not--I mean, this isn't--this isn't my hat.

				SABRINA
	What, is it borrowed?  I'm sorry, I don't have any more change...

				REUBEN
	No!  I'm not begging!  Somebody just left it there.  Here, you can have your 
	change back.

				SABRINA
	Oh.  Um.  I'm sorry.

				(REUBEN digs out the change, picking it up if it has 
				spilled, and gives it back to SABRINA; she accepts it 
				awkwardly.)

	Thanks.  (begins to exit again)

				REUBEN
	Hey, wait a second.  I don't...  well, do I LOOK homeless?

				SABRINA
	No!  No, I'm sorry.  It was just the hat...  it's like a reflex.  You don't.  At 
	all.  Except maybe the shirt, but other than that not at all.

				REUBEN
	The shirt?  What's wrong with this shirt?

				SABRINA
	Nothing!  It just could, you know, I could see a homeless person wearing it, is all. 

				REUBEN
	But it's nylon!

				SABRINA
	Yeah.  It's not exactly the fabric of the future.  No, I'm sorry, forget I said 
	that.  Mistaken identity, all right?  Goodbye.  (exits right, hastily)

				REUBEN
	Yeah!  That's...  fine.  (turns away, talking to himself)  "Hello!  My name is 
	Reuben!  What's yours?  It's nice to meet you!  Can I take your coat?  I watch 
	you in the cafeteria!  Will you marry me?"  Gah.

				(REUBEN starts to exit, then stops, struggles ouf of the 
				shirt and throws it and the baseball cap to the ground. 
				Exit left.  Enter GRANT, from left, a moment later.)

				GRANT
	(cheerfully calling off left) The same to you, my man!  (notices the clothes 
	on the floor)  What's this?

				(GRANT picks up the cap and tries to settle it on his 
				head, but it is too small.  He picks up the shirt 
				instead, and the cap falls off.  He is bending down 
				to pick it up, facing left, when SABRINA enters from
				right.)

				SABRINA
	Hey, I just wanted to apologize for what I said.  I didn't think you'd take it 
	that way, I was kind of teasing, and--

				(GRANT stand up, a bit surprised)

	You're not him.

				GRANT
	You sure?

				SABRINA
	Yeah, I'm sorry, you're just...  wearing the same clothes.  Never mind.

				GRANT
		It's okay, I get that a lot.

				(GRANT stands up and puts the cap in his pocket)

				SABRINA
	It's Grant, isn't it?  I'm Sabrina.  We had Physics together.

				GRANT
	Why yes, I do remember you!  Surprising, that.

				SABRINA
	You know whose shirt that is?

				GRANT
	I found it here.  It seems familiar, but
	My mem'ry isn't what it used to be.

				SABRINA
	(laughing a little)  Do you usually go around collecting other people's clothes?

				GRANT
	I make a habit of recycling them.
	And then, of course, it saves on laundry bills.

				SABRINA
	I guess so.  Cute.

				GRANT
	You flatter me, Sabrina; as it seems
	The feeling's mutual, might I ask if
	You've made specific plans for lunch?
	I would be with my girl, but as it seems
	She dumped my stoner ass some eight months past,
	I find I'm single unexpectedly.

				SABRINA
	(charmed)  Sure, why not?

				(SABRINA and GRANT exit right, arm in arm.  A moment 
				later, REUBEN enters from left.)

				REUBEN
	Wow.  Already.  And I really did like that shirt.  (sits, speaks absently to 
	the audience)  More and more I think it wouldn't be such a bad thing to be 
	a leper.  For one things, you KNOW nobody's going to take your stuff. And you 
	could clear the marketplace for yourself any time you wanted--just walk in with 
	your bell and stick and "unclean!" and bam, no lines to wait in.  Not to mention 
	that most people think leprosy is some kind of zombie rotting disease, when 
	actually it doesn't cause decay at all.  It just deadens nerves.  People got 
	deformed because it didn't hurt when they ran into things.  They lost their 
	reflexes.  Pretty soon they'd beat their own fingers into clubs.  Not that 
	fine manipulation matters much when you live in a cave.  (pause)  Hell, 
	maybe I am a leper.

				(Enter SABRINA and GRANT from right, tousled and giggling. 
				GRANT has the black shirt slung over his shoulder, and his 
				arm around SABRINA's waist.)

				SABRINA
	That was kind of quick, you know.  Not that I'm complaining.

				GRANT
	My lady, speed is of the essence when
	You're dashing, debonair and in demand.
	Unfortunately, I'm none of the above--
	What say I make it up to you at dinner?

				SABRINA
	Well, I don't see why--(noticing REUBEN for the first time)  Oh!  Hello.

				GRANT
	My man!  How good it is to see your face.
	(to SABRINA)  The best of friends, this guy and I.  From birth!
	(to REUBEN)  Remind me, now, what was your name again?

				REUBEN
	Wow.  Are you going to take my car next?  Or my mother?

				GRANT
	I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, my bro.

				REUBEN
	You've got your hand around my gir--shirt!

				GRANT
	Why yes!  I should have known that right away.
	But time's made a dishonest man of me;
	My mem'ry isn't what it used to be.

				(GRANT tosses the shirt to REUBEN)

				REUBEN
	Well.  Thanks.  Guess I'll head back to my cardboard box under the overpass.

				(SABRINA is a bit stung.)

				GRANT
	Well, if you say so, dude, but I suggest
	You try to get a dorm room first.

				REUBEN
	I'll do that.

				GRANT
					So long!

				(Exit SABRINA and GRANT to left.  REUBEN stares after 
				them for a minute, then laughs hollowly, pull the shirt 
				over his head and waves his arms at the audience.)

				REUBEN
	Unclean!  Unclean!  Boogaboogaboo!

				SABRINA
	(entering from left)  What are you doing?

				REUBEN
	You should leave the marketplace.  I'm contagious, you know.

				SABRINA
	God, you're as weird as he is.

				REUBEN
	(sobering, pulling shirt on)  No.  No I'm not.

				SABRINA
	Look, all I want to do is apologize for the homeless thing.  I tried to do it 
	once already, but...  well, anyway, I was just teasing you.  (pause)  You can 
	still have the change if you really need it.

				REUBEN
	No.  Thanks.

				SABRINA
	I was joking.

				REUBEN
	You're not very good at it.

				SABRINA
	I'm very funny.

				REUBEN
	Humor is a defense mechanism.  Pretty girls never have to learn about defenses.

				SABRINA
	And I supposed backhanded compliments are very good ones?

				REUBEN
	Usually.

				SABRINA
	If you can't see my brain for my boobs, you're no better than any girl who can't 
	see those eyes for your brain.

				REUBEN
	And I suppose you can?

				SABRINA
	I don't know.  You haven't looked me in the eye yet.

				REUBEN
	Sorry.  Defenses.

				SABRINA
	What a half-assed way to live.

				REUBEN
	You don't get it.  Maybe you are smart, maybe you are quick, but guys like me 
	are so witty we're INVULNERABLE.  We have to start from nothing.  We take the 
	digs and the scratches and the rejections and we grow scars over them, and after 
	a while they stop hurting.  We stop noticing when we get bumped, and soon enough 
	everything fuses together and--

				SABRINA
	And apparently you get pretty good at monologues.

				REUBEN
	They help keep things interesting when you're in solitary.

				SABRINA
	Really?  I always thought they were boring.

				REUBEN
	Most of the great writers were boring.  Ever try Melville?

				SABRINA
	Oh!  You're a WRITER!

				REUBEN
	(regretting it)  Never mind.

				SABRINA
	Oh, no, this is too good.  You must know what the first rule of writing is?

				REUBEN
	Depends on who you're copying.

				SABRINA
	WHOM you're copying.

				REUBEN
	And you call me a brain?

				SABRINA
	You're avoiding the question.

				REUBEN
	The first rule of writing is show, don't tell.

				(During the rest of this exchange, REUBEN and SABRINA 
				move closer to each other until they are face to face.)

				SABRINA
	Well you've yet to show me that you're as witty or as tough as you say.  Kill 
	your darlings.

				REUBEN
	That's cliche.

				SABRINA
	That's Hemingway.

				REUBEN
	I don't have any darlings.

				SABRINA
	No?  This whole despicable self-image seems pretty close to your heart.  Extended 
	metaphors suck.

				REUBEN
	The Romans liked them.

				SABRINA
	The Romans are dead.

				REUBEN
	Everyone important is dead.

				SABRINA
	You haven't even told me your name.

				REUBEN
	My name is Reuben.  What's yours?

				SABRINA
	Sabrina.

				REUBEN
	I'd say it's nice to meet you, but so far it's been one of the less pleasant 
	experiences I can remember.

				SABRINA
	That's about to change.

				REUBEN
	I doubt it.

				SABRINA
	I'm about to kiss you, Reuben.

				REUBEN
	Bluff.  No dice.  Where's Candid Camera?

				SABRINA
	You're so attractive it pisses me off, and you're witty but you're not all that 
	tough, and I'm about to kiss you because you're going to kiss me back.

				(REUBEN shrugs the shirt off and loops it around 
				SABRINA'S shoulders.)

				REUBEN
	Bet me ten bucks?

				SABRINA
	I don't have ten bucks.

				REUBEN
	Then I guess you'd better not back out...

				(Enter GRANT from left, wearing the hat, which now 
				fits him.)

				GRANT
	Oh, Reuben, why hast thou forsaken me?
	We were the best of buds, and now you've gone
	And stabbed me in the back.  Et tu, Rube?

				REUBEN
	If you thought we were friends, I hate to see what you think of your enemies.
	Go away.

				GRANT
	Give up the girl or bring the ruckus, boy!

				(REUBEN steps away from SABRINA, leaving the shirt 
				around her shoulders.)

				REUBEN
	Back off!  Why do you care?  Do you even remember her name?

				GRANT
	Most likely, yes!  I think I wrote it down.

				REUBEN
	You won't remember her in a week, Grant.  Just take your haze and your charmed 
	life and GO AWAY.

				GRANT
	You really think I'd make this fuss if she
	Was not the one that mattered most to me?

				REUBEN
	Then I guess we'll just have to--

				SABRINA
	Boys?

				(REUBEN and GRANT turn toward her, a little surprised.)

	Bad news.  It turns out it wasn't either of you after all.  I'm sorry, but when 
	Reuben put this (touching the shirt) on me and I suddenly felt really hot for 
	MYSELF...  (pause)  Well.  Um, it's been fun, but...  I have to go be alone now.

				(SABRINA exits left.  REUBEN and GRANT gape after her.
				Long pause.)

				REUBEN
	It was the shirt?

				GRANT
	'Twas not my charms, nor your precocious wit?

				REUBEN
	It was the STUPID SHIRT?

				GRANT
	I am--nay, we are both betrayed, my friend.

				REUBEN
	What kind of a freak would--she--because of a--

				GRANT
	(sitting heavily on bench)  When all else fails, you know, one thing remains.

				REUBEN
	(sitting beside him)  What's that?

				GRANT
	A girl who's lost is still the greatest pain.

				REUBEN
	Deep.  (pause)  Well, I guess this proves I'm not a leper.

				GRANT
	Hey Rube?

				REUBEN
	Hmm?

				GRANT
		You want to get some acid later?

				REUBEN
	Yeah, sure.

				GRANT
	Unfortunately, I believe I'm broke.

				REUBEN
	One way to fix that.

				(REUBEN takes the hat off GRANT'S head and tosses it on 
				the floor at their feet.  Blackout.)